thoughts

need to pen all my thoughts down but will i regret after writing all these? you might read these or you might not be reading this little space of mine alr. i dont know from which point of time that i already numb to all these quarreling and cold war, from which point of time that i dont tear any more for you, from which point of time that i don't bother anymore. no, not that i dont love you. but because i find myself being so unhappy with so many things. every time when i think back these 2 years, i realized i suffered so much than being truly happy. i dont understand why you seem to love yourself more than you love me. i dont feel your love for me at all, i realized we need to exchange conditions to treat each other good. the effort you put in for me no longer coming out from your heart, at least this is what i feel. i dont feel secure being with you, i dont feel the trust in you, i felt that everything you do everything you says is all lie. every day i felt that you got so much to hide from me. Maybe you don't but why i still felt the insecurity so much? Yes, im not a good girlfriend either, i do throw tantrum, showing attitude, hot temper and more. but think properly did you actually know what's the real reason behind me showing attitude or you alr knew that? At the very least, i know i dont contact my ex/s, the only person i msg with was my sister, i show you with a lot of affection, i dont throw vulgarity at you when we quarreled, i dont lay my hand on you, no matter how tired i am, i will be at my very best form to meet you and tried all ways to make you happy and even times that i willing to wait for you for hours just because i dont want to waste the time. yes maybe the things i did can't compare to you because everyone got each limit (eg fetching you/cooking/etc). But at the very least, i don't take all the things i contribute out and complain when we quarrel. i don't understand at all, i thought loving each other was suppose to treat them wholeheartedly without complaining. you said that action speak louder than words, but where's the action? why i don't see it, i don't felt it. I just need you to give me long sweet goodnight kiss when we sleep, and a morning kiss when we wake up. A real hug for me when we bid goodbye and teddy bear hug when we see each other. I need compliments too, i don't want someone who say that i look ugly, unglam, smelly and whatever shit you can said. Why all these simple actions and words are all so difficult for you to do?! I don't understand at all, i tired of taking the action myself. If you don't care, why should i? and when you lose it, you start to care. I don't want this. You make my heart numb, you make me finding no point putting in for this relationship anymore. someone said, love is not that power to change someone, yes i know i understand. because i can't change my stubborn attitude too. But at the very least, learn to treat me well. If you think you have already treat me good enough, then maybe we should go and search for our own real happiness.